god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
