Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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