I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
sarcasm needs its own font
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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