Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize