She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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