theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
