I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
