Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
