Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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