when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
