she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
