i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
