its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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