I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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