So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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