Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
