Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
