A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
