my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
