Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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