yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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