I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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