Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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