Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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