i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
