Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
