this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
