I wish life had little blips of pornography
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
