I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
