After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
