P.S. I can't hear my feet
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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