Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
