She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
