i need an iv and a liver transplant
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
