I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
