Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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