the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize