i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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