my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
