dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
