I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
