Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
