I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
