apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
