i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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