I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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