the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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