life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
only if we run a train.
done.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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