It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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