I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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