Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
