were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She even gives head with a lisp.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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