Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
