I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
