a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
