Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
