So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
