I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
