Your face is a jimmy john
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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