You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
