It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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