we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
