ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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