i need an iv and a liver transplant
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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