when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
