they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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