In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
