No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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