Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So much Jack, so little girl.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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