my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
either way he was missing a nipple.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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